Hope Now.

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "Hope Now" by Addison Road? Truly Listened?

Hope Now

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

The words in this song have never wrang more true than the road I've been traveling. You see in February of this year I started feeling that tug on my heart from God telling me it was time to hand it all over to him. I would love to say I always have but I think just like a lot of people, I've always had a grip on that security blanket of my life. The grip was just enough to make me feel like I could have control whenever I wanted it back from him. Well this time that feeling just wouldn't go away. So I did it. I jumped in head first and gave it to God. Little did I know that it was the calm before the storm. The true test of my faith was to come only a short 7 months later.

I'm a firm believer that God makes things happen in our lives to prepare us for what is to come. He doesn't want us to hurt unnecissarily. Though sometimes it takes a little pain to see the rainbow. I think God started wheels turning in my head in December to see what I would do and what decision I would make. I chose to prolong the inevitable so that I could hopefully give birth in the future. Modern medicine worked...temporarily. In April I watched my sister go thru the loss of her first child. Talk about hurting. Wow! All I kept thinking was "Why God?". You have two people who are so devoted to you. Why would you put them thru this pain. Less than 8 weeks later I lost my grandfather. Again, "Why God?" starting creeping in. Holding his hand as he left this earth is something I will never forget. The quiteness of the room still haunts me at times.

I think these were test of my faith and how I would react. Would I remain faithful or run the other direction. Thankfully I remained faithful. I had to pull myself together and help bear the sorrow and burden of those around me. Though I was at times hurting, I felt as though my faith was growing by leaps and bounds. Sometimes it almost caught me off guard. It shocked even me sometimes when I though about what was coming out of my mouth.

In August, I started feeling slightly off kilter. My passion for orphans seemed to be at the forefront of my mind a lot. It was even to the point that I started questioning whether or not I even wanted to give birth but yet that part of me wanted that so badly. To experience that. To feel those little kicks inside my stomach. To hear that heartbeat and see it's growing body on that screen and know that God loved me so much he was entrusting me to grow a precious gift.

In September, I started noticing some changes in my body. Changes I knew weren't good. Changes that I had warded off for several years thru diffrent medications. It scared me. It scared me so badly that I didn't even tell anyone because I thought if I spoke of it then it would become a reality. Unfortunately at the end of September it became so unbearable there was no way to hide it. I layed in tears on a friends couch in pain not wanting to go to the hospital because I knew what was coming. I can still remember saying "I'll go to the hospital in a little while because I already know what there going to tell me so going now is not going to change anything". Again, was this God's way of preparing me for what's to come?

The great thing, now being 2 weeks post-op is that God did have a plan. I gave it over to God and trusted him to do with my life what he wanted. I trusted that he knew what he was doing and that he wouldn't push my to such a radical surgery if he didn't have a plan. Fortunately for me I listened, and I'm alive for it. Fortunately for me, he has found me worthy enough to take care of orphans. What a blessing he has bestowed. What a true test of faithfulness. Do I still feel like I fail him? Everyday. As the song says "Everything rides on faith somehow...".

Are you willing to let go and let God? Are you willing to let everything ride on faith or are you still following the plan that you have laid out for your life?

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Jordan