Choosing to See

This morning as I was laying in a hotel bed in Atlanta while everyone else slept, I suddenly had the need to get up and finish "Choosing to See'. I only had about 40 pages and boy did I need those last 4 pages, specificially page 259:


"There is a part of me that will be and is forever changed and diffrent because I buried a child at five years old."

"Now, that is not to say that I won't ever experience joy. I already have...in plenty of ways. I've had two children get married since Maria went to be with Jesus! What joy it was to see my children so in love and happy...true joy. Yet, what was forever changed was the fact that I was still go through those joyous times very aware of my brokeness and my sadness."

"It's really okay! In fact, God entrusted me with it. Why? Trust me? I don't even want to talk about the why question. But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on earth.
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"I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the One who blessed us."


I think everyone handles grief and sadness diffrently. Some are able to talk it out, some need to go to therapy. Me, I read and blog. Everytime I've felt low or down during this journey, I'll open a book or read a blog and I'll find some form of comfort in their words, as if God is speaking to me himself. When I read the section above, I felt like Mary Beth Chapman was speaking to me but I didn't know how to convey those feelings. I'm joyous at the birth of babies, the cry of babies, holding babies but it's a diffrent kind of joy. It's a happiness and sadness all rolled into one.

I'm sorry by blog has been somewhat of a source of sadness lately but that's what make it my blog and the journey of my life. It's a place I can put my thoughts on paper when I'm not comfortable conveying them. Anyone can tell you I can very passionate and outspoken on other's behalfs but when it comes to mine, I won't always share them because I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I don't want to make others sad.

After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

Jordan