Life...ugh!

Life is not going how I want it right now at all! I'm tired, I'm grieving, I'm extremely emotional, and feel like I've lost something. The lost something is not one I'm going to touch on in this post because I feel like once I do I'll be really exposing myself and I'm not quite sure I can handle that.

Let's start with the fact that I've been extremely busy which has played a large part in the fact that I'm really tired, I've lost any appetite I might normally have, and could quite possible be the reason that my legs and arms look like someone beat me! June came with a bang that include but was not limited to Nashville Workcamp, Baby Showers, Church Camp, & Relay for Life. I'm exhausted just writing it but for some reason I felt like I could do it all. Boy did God feel diffrent!

The reason I'm grieving is because I lost my grandfather at 1:30 am on Thursday, June 17th. I was holding his hand as he left us to go to heaven where he has longed to be for a while now. I feel as if I've lost a large piece of my heart and am having to find a way to move on without him. I dread when something important happens in my life and I can't go see him to share it. I longed for the day that I could tell him I had finally found my Prince Charming because he wanted that more than life for me and asked me everytime I saw him. I wanted him to be able to hold my first child and tell me all was well. My grandparents played a large role in helping to raise me and my sister and in a sense it was like losing a father. God had diffrent plans.

That would definitly be where the emotional part comes in. For those few that read you know that I've had to go thru and take a lot of med's in hopes that one day I'll concieve a child. Right now I feel like that day will never come. Watching my sister go thru the loss of a child made me pray to God that I didn't need a child if it meant he would bless them with one. I truly mean that but it's hard to watch others become pregnant and become mothers. It's hard to watch others begin relationships, get engaged, and become one. It's hard to know you've dedicated your life to God's will but feel like you have no control over your life and happiness though it's going just as God has planned it. As it states in Matthew 10:30, "and the very hairs on your head are all numbered". He is the all knowing, I just need to remember to trust that.

Something that has been the sunshine in this storm I feel like I'm riding through is that two of youth girls that I've been working with for several years now were baptized on Sunday. What a blessing those two have been in my life. There are several of the girls that I've grown very close to and those are 2 of them. I can't wait to watch as their passion for God grows in them!

Sorry for being such a downer in this post when I've not written a whole lot in the past couple of weeks but this is my blog. It's where I get out everything that's going on inside me so that I can move on.

Jordan