Interesting Title huh? Well that's exactly what I feel like at this exact moment. Not in a "I'm going to go all crazy on someone" but in a "I might burst into tears and you don't know why" kind of moment. If you are friends with me on Facebook or in real life of course but haven't seen me then you might not know why or maybe you've seen me and I've been quiet because the more I ignore it the more it will go away right? At least until I get the shooting pains and burning sensation in my abdoment that knocked on my door Sunday and has not left me yet are a quick reminder that I still have a tought road ahead.
Basically: I need a hysterectomy.
How can one word drudge up so many emotions when it means I wouldn't have to hurt anymore? Probably because though it will give my body the physical rest and pain free existence that it craves it doesn't do the same for emotional well being. Hearing those words feels like I'm closing a chapter in my life that I never got a chance to explore. Something I've craved since I could carry a baby doll around. I can't have that and it hurts. Deeper than I thought anything could ever hurt. I've cried and cried and cried some more. One minute I'm happy and the next I feel like I've been tossed into a storm.
How do you make the decision to change your life so drastically? How do you make that decision when you've not met that special person that God has made just for you? How will I explain to that person that I can't give him children, at least not one that will carry his genes. How will I do that?
In two weeks I'm going to go in for a laprascopic procedue to see what else we might can do. Maybe even lose an ovary and see how my body copes and handles that. It will either offer me a few months pain free or it will increase my pain when my other ovary has to work in overdrive to compensate. Right now I'm in overdrive. Not a comfortable feeling.
It's nights like last night when I was curled in a ball, breaking into a cold sweat, and nauseated from 12:40 -3:30 in pain after taking 2 percocets only 2 hours before that I can wake up the next morning and say schedule me tomorrow for a Hysterectomy. Get all of this out of me!
It's moments when you see friends expecting and enjoying their littles that break your heart and make me want to cling to a reproductive system that is tired and hurting me.
All that I ask is for you to please keep me in your prayers. This isn't going to be an easy decision to make. I have lots of people offering lots of opinions and it's a lot to take in when you just want to sit in your little corner and cry. Cry about the person you were and feel like is slipping away. the person you don't want to lose, the person you don't want to become. I've vowed not to be the person that is not happy every time a friend becomes pregnant and brings a new child into the world. I won't be envious of others happiness. It's not me but if I'm not careful it will become me because I'll be happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. So again if I'm diffrent don't take it personally, I'm just trying to figure this all out. I can't make any promises that I won't cry over the little things that seem so trivial or cry just because you say Hello. I'm trying to get my emotions under control .
I'm trying.
Jordan
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