I've come to a life changing decision and that is I will be having a hysterectomy. It's time. My body is still fighting itself and I'm tired of the fight, physically and emotionally. Right now I'm at peace with it. Now after surgery, that's the part that scares me. I'm afraid I'll be an absolute trainwreck when I know that I've closed that chapter in my life. A chapter in my life that never had the opportunity to be opened. It really stinks but I think there are far worse things in life like dying. At least I will get to lead a normal, healthy life.
Instead of dreaming of the day that I'll get to carry a child for 9 months, I get to dream of where my future child will come from. Will my child bear the scars of a country that doesn't cherish it's presence? Will my child be born to a teenage mother? A drug addict? The best part? It will be mine! It doesn't matter that my blood will not thru it's tiny veins. It will be mine! It doesn't matter that my child won't look like me or possibly not have the same skin color. It will be mine.
God is great and all knowing and I can't help but think that he has a plan for me and this is just one of the trials that I have to face. I can't help but think that God has a special person out there for me who will understand me and my trials and love me for who I am. He won't care that I can't provide him a biological child. He'll love me for me.
As much as I can't wait to see what my future holds I'm still having a hard time letting go of the dream I've had since a small child. Pray for me. This isn't going to be an easy road but then he never promised it would.
"God is able to do immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine." - Ephesians 3:20
Jordan
4 comments:
Praying for you! I can't imagine being told that I will never experience carrying my own children, but I do know the pain of wanting a baby so bad. God will lead you thru. I hope your surgery goes smoothly and your recovery as well. You are such a strong person for being able to express how you are feeling! I will be praying for you!!!
You have an amazing attitude about your struggle and I'm so thankful you have shared!!! Hoping you have a quick and seamless surgery and recovery!
Everyone will tell you that giving birth to a baby makes you a Mom. But that isn't the case. Nurturing, loving, being selfless, getting up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, soothing fears, kissing boo-boo's and I could go on and on...all those things make you a Mom. There are plenty of people in this world who have given birth to babies but shouldn't have the title of Mom (you might know a few, read about them in the news,etc..). You will be a Mom after the right man comes into your life. You are making a hard decision, but if it improves your quality of life, than it is the best and right decision for you. Good luck on your surgery and don't be hard on yourself.
I see that you read Katie's blog (Kisses from Katie). She is an inspiration like no other. Maybe in your future is adopting one of her brown-eyed beauties who she has rescued and breathed life back into. How awesome would that be!!
You have a wonderful outlook and it is so true. You will be the answer to some children's prayers one day.
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