I'm still alive, I just haven't felt like blogging. I've gone thru so many changes emotionally and physically in the last week that trying to get my thoughts on blog would have been impossible.
My surgery was Monday morning at 7:30, which meant I had to be there at 5:30. Joy! The lovely part about being 28 and having a full hysterectomy is that everyone wants to know why. So you can imagine that I was counting down the minutes to when they would roll me back. I guess some people just don't realize what an emotional toll it takes on you to repeat it over and over. There were even moments laying there that I kept thinking, "Am I doing the right thing, Am I really ready for this?". The answer would be of course not. Who can rightfully say as a single, 28 year old that a full hysterectomy is what you want for your life. Luckily, it was exactly what I needed. I knew going in because I had to authorize both, that my doctor would try to do the surgery laparoscopically but would most likely have to do an abdominal cut depending on how bad it was when they got the scope in. I was bad. My ovaries were very swollen, covered in endometriosis as well as some pretty sizeable cyst. She told me Monday night that my ovaries might have burst eventually had they stayed in. Hearing that gave me a new sense of peace that I somewhat lost going into it.
I was in the hospital until Thursday, 4 days on the postpartum side of the hospital with L&D on the other side of the hall. There's nothing like hearing a baby crying down the hall to get your heart going. Who would have thought that the one place in the hospital that I thought I would never stay was where I would spend the first few days of knowing that part of my life was closed. While families were meeting the precious new members of their families, I was dealing with the onslaught of menopause. At 28. I knew it would come but not so quickly! Hopefully it's going to pass quickly because it definitly hits me at the craziest moments. I've always been a fairly pleasant, calm person who could control her emotions and bite my tongue when need be. I'm struggling with that now. It may be party due to the fact that I feel like I've swallowed a watermelon and have no clothes that fit. I love my clothes. It may be the fact that there are a lot of corny commercials that make me cry at the drop of the hat. It may be watching people around me experience things that I won't get to that still breaks my heart while at the same time so happy for them that they are getting those little experiences. The funny part is I'm not jealous of the babies because I'll get that. It's the 9 months leading up to their delivery that makes me sad. I'll never feel that first flutter, that first kick. I'll never experience going into labor. In time that will ease and I'm told that there will always be that little hole in your heart that will always be there, the ache will just ease in time.
Life will go on, and in time I'll have my own precious bundle.
Jordan
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